yay time for new journal..great...
Yes..i'm depressed..again...seems my love life is always filled with dissapointment and despair. It kinda just get's worse for me in every decision i make. Recently i wanted to go out with Garrett to improve my mood a bit, and i found out he doesn't like me anymore, in fact so much that he doesn't want to TALK to me anymore..so he's going to move to california with all the hot dudes and leave me here..and not to mention the fact that i havn't had a real conversation with Matt in almost a month. AAANND..so far noting is improving with my family, they all still hate me, my dad recently denied me spending the night at any guys' houses, and only allowed to stay at girls houses, and no girl's parents that i know of would let guys' stay with them..so yah..i guess the only good news out of this is today i got my dad to change his mind. So yes i'm allowed to spend the night at guys' houses again..so being that i buy a box of condoms before i go..God i hate my family, my life, and my past. Nothing ever seems to stay up for kitsu, i may have momentary times when i'll feel like nothing could go bad, and only maybe a few hours or a day later i'm depressed..again..Lets see..in school..i'm failing math, no suprise, i never really liked math ever. English and chemistry i have a C, but that's just cuz i'm lazy. Um..doing good besides that. I took the PLAN today, it was fun i guess. The only really uplifting experience today, i got to wake up earlier then during school, and walk in the snow, it surprisingly it wasn't that cold, and it flurried on my way there. Then i met up with paul and gary and derrick at school, and paul said i could have his pokemon pearl game, so pretty much the going to school on saturday is the only thing that cheered me up this whole week. Oh and i downloaded Hostel 2. That was a good movie, creepy soccer thing in the end.. ew. And last but not least i made a myspace profile that is actually real. Has my actuall age and referance and everything. Oh, and i got a whole box of XY magazines from my gay uncle johnny. He's so cool, and after reading like 8 issues, i've really come to learn a lot more about myself. I realized i was only in fear that my parents and society wouldn't like me for who i am, but i know now that i should live the way i want to. If that means i want more then one boyfriend then so be it. It's also good to date more then one guy in highschool, cuz you never know what you will like. I do know that i will never leave Matt. He means so much to me. But i also will try dating what few gays in Boise there is. It doesn't feel like cheating to me, i've just learned that i've been trying to live up to the straight ideal, that is a marriage home family. I've never really liked my brothers. I'm not saying i'm going to turn slut and sleep with every gay i met. no no no. I'm going to get friends, and whatever happens with them will happen. I'll just make sure i stay smart. Well..i' apologize for the long journal, but i really needed to get a lot of things of my chest. I really do feel extremely depressed. It feels like all that i hold dear to me is being ripped away. I feel really..alone.. and normal friends can do a little, but can't really sew the wound in my soul. I wish something good would happen to me for once. I usually got off what i was feeling to matt..he was the one i could always turn to and explain my feelings..but him never being on..that hurts..i mean i never see him, never hear from him, and i only think about him. Is that really a boyfriend at all? so don't complain matt. And besides you said you didn't mind if i dated, and if stuff happens it happens, i just won't leave you. If you don't like that i may kiss other guys then so be it, look on the bright side, it'll make me a better kisser for our first kiss, and you kissed other guys to so don't start. Sorry if anyone finds this personal or so, but i can't talk to matt any other way, and i'm not sure he'll even read this. I don't know what he does nowadays...i miss him..i miss garrett..i miss people loving me..when did it all turn so gloomy...*sigh*